Why did I post that?

What was I thinking?

Was I trying to get attention? Sway favor, play the "sister of a quad" card? Make sure nobody missed it? Make sure those who do know don't forget?

Why would I subject my brother to that? Why would I click publish? Writing it is one thing, publishing it is a whole 'nother story. And about the "writing" part - it's not even well written! I want to take it all back and reformat and re frame and ramble less and get to a fucking point and ... what was I talking about anyway? Why was it important for me to say those things, in that way, in this forum? Why can't I just shut my trap? GEEZ!

This is where I have been for the past week. Remorse. Regret. Reeling from myriad choices that led to that post. Stinging from the compliments. Why are they saying these nice things? How do I respond? What do I say? I just want to take it back.

So I've been sitting on my hands.

And though I'm still wishing I could have done it a little differently, I will say this: I'm not sorry I did it anymore. And no matter how hard it is to look back on certain parts of my life, it will never be as hard as living through them. (BTW - we all lived through that time. My brother, me, my kid. It's been eleven years and we are all alive and well. Honestly.)

So, why did I do it? Why did I share about that terrible day? I guess I share about myself because mine is the only voice like mine. No one else will share like I will. No one else will know what I have known. But maybe others will share if I do. So I share.

We all have wounds. We've all had tragedy. All of us have pain. It is such a brave act, this living in this world with our joys and our sadness.

Thank you for your kindness. It has touched me beyond words, even if I couldn't express that thanks in a timely manner.


Three things happened this past week that deserve acknowledgement and thanks.

First, Annagrace of LoveDrunk awarded me with this blog award. She is a lovely and thoughtful mom of (now two) beautiful peanuts and her kindness took me aback. Thank you so very much. I am honored.

And then, because wonders never cease, my blogher roomie Lara (whom I adore) granted me with the very same award!

WTF? How can that possibly be??? Thank you so much, for this wonderful award and your ongoing support. I'm so lucky to have met you and I think of you and your new adventures every day (and HTG, too).

But wait, there is more! I won a blog contest! My winnings will be coming to me soon and I will be eating those delicious spoils for many minutes after the package arrives. I'll tell you all about it soon. When I am cleared to tell the world. I'll sing it from the rooftops with my mouth stuffed with treats. Seriously, it'll be super sexy.

So I'm living this abundant life over here. And I have to go 'cause I have to run out and buy a lottery ticket.

xoxo -


Sugar said...

Darn... I was going to send you that award... hmmph...

"I guess I share about myself because mine is the only voice like mine. No one else will share like I will. No one else will know what I have known. But maybe others will share if I do. So I share."

Yes! A million times... totally hear this one...

Eileen said...

Congratulations on your award! You deserve it.

I understand the times where I have hit publish and later wanted to take it all back.....but you know how it goes,once it is out there, it is there.

Your so right, we all have stuff, from our past that is painful, that still hurts, despite time passing by. Writing can be so theraputic and I have found bloggers to be the most supportive group of people.


Annagrace said...

You totally deserve it, lady, how ever many times :). I understand about the earlier post, too--it did feel very intimate. But I'm glad you took the risk. The scary thing about publishing ANYTHING out here in the big world is anyone can read anything into pretty much anything we write and anyone can and will jump to their own conclusions. Life is just so damn fragile, sometimes...I hope I can learn to risk more and more often...

laurie said...

I have that kind of remorse regularly...or at least I did when I, you know, WROTE things besides blahblahblah this is where I'm at and where I'm taking pictures.

I struggled with the comment, honestly, because everything I wrote sounded much cheesier than I felt.

I didn't take it as anything more than writing through a tough thing and kicking its ass in the process. But then again we all take away what we need to from stuff. Right? : )

(And if I had some sort of badge at the ready I'd send you one but I suck at that sort of thing so just know I think you're swell for whatever that's worth!)