Woke up with a headache.

Levi woke up and went to get dressed.

I gently woke Madigan to remind her that she had to shower this morning as she skipped it last night (we're an every-other-day-kid-bathing family). She gifted me with massive attitude and bitchiness - until the moment she came to me with her pink and white polka-dot dress and sweetly asked me to iron it. So I did. And let her know that I am nice to her EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when I don't feel good. And when she treats me badly I don't feel like doing nice things for her like feeding her or allowing her to breathe, so next time the answer will be no. And since she loves being lectured in the morning she became jolly and delightful to be around.

Next I went to help Levi help him collect his things for the day and we realized that he left his backpack in dad's car last night. The car that is already at work with dad. And he's been forgetting every single thing in the world including his name and where his head is the last couple of weeks, so he got a lecture too. The permission slip for the train ride - in the backpack. If that doesn't get turned in he will be left at the school on field trip day to hang out with the office secretary. For the whole day. FUN. Also, his homework packet hasn't made it home in 2 days. So, there is that. Tonight there will be no fun at all as he has to do a week's worth of homework.

Suddenly I hear wailing from the bathroom. I run to see which limb is missing and what I find is Madigan standing in a torn dress. Seems the gauzy polka dot dress I ironed got caught in the zipper of her cute little hoodie and disintegrated when she tried to pull it out. Oh, Christ.

New outfit selection was, as I'm sure you know, a joy.

Meanwhile Levi decided to start throwing his suction cup ball at every single flat surface in our house. When he finally knocked the kitchen light cover down I yelled. He cried.

You'd think that was enough, right? Oh no. I'm just getting started.

Soon after Levi stopped crying, Madigan demanded to know where the folded piece of paper was. You know, the paper. The folded piece of paper. She had left it laying around some time last week. The FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER.

Needless to say, I didn't have said piece of paper. I could not locate the specific piece she was looking for. I folded and offered a variety of papers. They were not OK. This piece of paper was the cover for the report she's been working on for weeks. Stomp, stomp, stomp, grumble, stomp, stomp, slam.

Levi took this as his cue to wander outside on the deck. Ten seconds later I hear screaming. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Are you fucking kidding me?

He'd decided to step on the business end of the push broom. And the handle flew up and whacked him on the chin. Hard. First grade physics lessons are not as fun as they sound.

Ice the chin. Nag the kids to brush teeth and hair. Nag the kids to get their lunches. Nag the children to get in the car. Drive in silence to school. Tell them in a sing-song voice to have a great day!

Breakfast you ask? I think I threw a corner of an old moldy piece of bread at them on the way to the car. And they were grateful for it.


Zoe said...

Yeah, this my my morning EVERY morning. I am being punished for something I did in a previous life I know I am. Just this morning I asked at least 7 times..."Jesus fucking christ are you kidding me? Just give me a bullet please!"

Emily said...

I don't mean to laugh at your troubles, but that post was hilarious. I hope your day got better!

Erica said...

I'm actually having a good day... now that my beloved offspring aren't with me. Seriously, the thought of home schooling those hooligans makes me shudder and contemplate running off to Bali with the pool boy. If I had a pool boy. Or even a pool.

Thanks for being with me in the trenches!

Gilroy Real Estate Blog said...

This is what's known as payback. I promised you that I would have mine, and today is my day.

Your Mother

Erica said...

I knew I'd hear it from you, woman!

Jen said...

That is just too funny... my sympathies, but too funny! I thought I'd stop by from Cr8buzz - I'm Jen in MI there.

I'll definitely be back - your blog is great!

Kim said...

That's one hell of a morning. Most people don't have that much fun all day.

Kim @ TheBitterBall

Anonymous said...

Oh! My! God! And people wonder why I don't have kids. How DO they ever manage to make it to adult-hood?

My heartfelt sympathies!

Erica said...

Thanks for all of your support! (Or your concern, whichever!)