I am out of town for work. One overnight. Got an email from Madigan:
Maddy:
Hi Mommy!Me:
How are you?
When are you getting home?
I miss you.
I am well! how are you? I am looking froward to smooching your face in a little while!
I think I'll be home after your bedtime. I'm missing you like crazy.
xoxo -
I love you.
Ruben is having a root canal tomorrow. We have excellent dental coverage.
My dryer is broken and I need a new one. Ruben hung a line on the back deck and the sun and wind have dried my clothes for the past few weeks.
I need to buy a new car. Said car is running fairly well right now and I may be able to wait until after the root canal and dryer purchase.
The economy is in a slump. From this comes a collective appreciation for less expensive and more meaningful exchanges.
I can't lose for trying around here.
First thing, when the redwood (the one the size of a city block) gets hit with the glow from the sun I cannot yet see or feel, the moment when the branches seem to shine from within all 296 shades of green and brown and yellow...
it is wondrous.
Dinner on the patio on a perfect Portland evening. With a roaring fire. And mashed potatoes.
Today we hit Seattle.
Smelling my coffee. Godda run!
1. Hope. For my family, my neighbors, my country.
2. Leftover chocolate birthday cake.
3. Cello and violin music that brings me to tears.
4. My new bright green trench.
5. Inauguration speech on the web because I had to work all day today.
So many wonderful things. Let me not forget them so quickly next time.
My beloved friend Steve posted this on his site and before I stopped crying I knew I would post it here, too:
So I be written in the Book of Love,
I have no care about that book above;
Erase my name, or write it, as you please--
So I be written in the Book of Love.
From Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám
I take my silly little privileged life for granted every day. I bemoan the most trivial and ridiculous of issues while indulging my laziness and apathy. Just yesterday I was standing in my big, beautiful kitchen, bitching about how quickly my organic half and half soured (for my expensive french pressed coffee) and how those jerks at Trader Joe's will get an ear full next time I'm in there. Which will be tomorrow. Because I go there three times a week. Because I enjoy freshness.
I am an American through and through.
And while this may be true, I am also a loudmouthed, obnoxious, entitled, freedom vigilante. I will defend and protect my daughter's right to be in charge of her body. And my friends' rights to love who they want and marry if they so choose. And will proudly vote for a man who is allowing me a new sense of pride for this country that I take for granted and have been disillusioned by for far too long.
This is my birthright.
Happy day.
I went on my retreat this weekend. I usually go every April and October, but I missed this most recent April because I'd just started my new job. So it had been a year.
A year is, apparently, too long for me.
I haven't needed a retreat so badly in many years, and I've been going regularly for eleven.
I will not share specifics of this weekend away. As with every precious and special thing in the world the details are for the attendees. I will share, however, the theme: Self acceptance.
What if I accepted myself, totally and completely?
How would I be different in my life? How would my relationships change? How would I face life's challenges? How would I face successes?
So, I am sitting with all of these questions. I am considering myself in a way I have not previously.
And I have quit smoking.
Because no matter what, I cannot reconcile the future I hand myself by continuing to indulge in that behavior. Plus I fucking stink.
Pray for me.
Me: Good morning love bug. How did you sleep?
Levi: (stretching and rubbing) I had a weird dream.
Me: Oh yeah? Can you tell me a little bit about it?
Him: Yeah. We went to the boardwalk and all I was wearing was my chonies.
Me: Oh my goodness! Were you embarrassed?
Levi: No. It was a school day and it was early.
Me: ???
Levi: We went to a store where (uncle) Bumper was working and he was selling these really cool spaceships! They were not too big and you could ride around in them and shoot at moons and planets and there was a special one for wheelchairs so Bumper and I were driving around all over.
Me: So, no clothes, just your chonies?
Levi: I got a tank top. They had lots of other stuff too. It (the store) was kind of like Mervyns.
Me: But with space ships.
Levi: Cool, huh?
Why did I post that?
What was I thinking?
Was I trying to get attention? Sway favor, play the "sister of a quad" card? Make sure nobody missed it? Make sure those who do know don't forget?
Why would I subject my brother to that? Why would I click publish? Writing it is one thing, publishing it is a whole 'nother story. And about the "writing" part - it's not even well written! I want to take it all back and reformat and re frame and ramble less and get to a fucking point and ... what was I talking about anyway? Why was it important for me to say those things, in that way, in this forum? Why can't I just shut my trap? GEEZ!
This is where I have been for the past week. Remorse. Regret. Reeling from myriad choices that led to that post. Stinging from the compliments. Why are they saying these nice things? How do I respond? What do I say? I just want to take it back.
So I've been sitting on my hands.
And though I'm still wishing I could have done it a little differently, I will say this: I'm not sorry I did it anymore. And no matter how hard it is to look back on certain parts of my life, it will never be as hard as living through them. (BTW - we all lived through that time. My brother, me, my kid. It's been eleven years and we are all alive and well. Honestly.)
So, why did I do it? Why did I share about that terrible day? I guess I share about myself because mine is the only voice like mine. No one else will share like I will. No one else will know what I have known. But maybe others will share if I do. So I share.
We all have wounds. We've all had tragedy. All of us have pain. It is such a brave act, this living in this world with our joys and our sadness.
Thank you for your kindness. It has touched me beyond words, even if I couldn't express that thanks in a timely manner.
And then, because wonders never cease, my blogher roomie Lara (whom I adore) granted me with the very same award!On the night that Phyllis died she lay in her hospital bed reading a Reader's Digest. The article she'd been reading was about how to make a marriage last.
She was hours away from her own passing, but she was reading tips about how to honor her marriage in order to make it last.
Her example of grace is not lost on me.
I have been with my husband for a dozen years. We have born children and our life together has been very full and rich at times. There have also been long passages of time that have been angry and resentful and quite separate.
In this lonely and separate place I found a circle of women with whom I seek counsel and strength. My relationship with my own mother has become one of my proudest achievements. However, my relationship with my husband is still fraught with challenges. He is almost as stubborn as I am. He is passionate about his place on this planet and his responsibility not to piss his time here away. He is the only man I ever want to raise children with. He is engaged and thoughtful and kind and compassionate. He is present with our children in a way that I rarely see in the husbands of many of my peers. He reminds me of my father, but slower and more earthy, with fewer guns.
But this marriage thing - it can be relentless. It can be so hard and so lonely. My most terrified moments have been when I could not imagine going on in the marriage, and could not imagine going on without it. (This is not how I've been feeling lately or for quite some time, but my memory is strong of the despair I felt then.)
So I've been sitting with this lesson from Phyllis. Take care of your marriage. Be mindful of it. I've been letting it resonate. Letting it fill me. And I take with me one more lesson from this woman I loved who I do not get to see or hear anymore.
My marriage is my responsibility. Every single day. I can choose to care for it or I can be lazy. And my laziness may come at a very high price.
Today I brought my husband coffee from his favorite coffee shop and I kissed him on the mouth and told him that I know that I am so blessed to be able to love him. And today my eyes are open to that fact.
Thank you, Phyllis.
I started writing about some painful memories and I kept writing and writing and then - I stopped.
So I have half of a huge post that may or may not be appropriate for public consumption. And my brain now resembles oatmeal.
I'm looking for a little happy!
What makes me happy, you ask? Well, let me tell you:
TULIPS!!!
Audible.com - because having a great book read to you is so delicious.
Avocado Oil Soap from Crabtree and Evelyn because it smells exactly like what heaven must smell like when a perfect little breeze is blowing. Seriously. Go to the store and smell it. You'll see.
This sofa - which is totally on sale. We actually need two, so this sale would be nice...
Licorice. Not all licorice. Only the ones with the right amount of mouth numbing anise oil and the right amount of chewiness.
My kiddos. My husband. My family. My friends. Sometimes my doggies.
I got it pretty good over here.
Happy Friday.
I will never be one of those people who slips away quietly in their sleep not to be discovered for 13 years because no one notices that I am gone. I have too many loves. Too many people keeping tabs. Plus, I live with 3 other humans and two dogs who still have a sense of smell, but I digress (as usual).
My last post had my friends in a frenzy. Not exactly up my ass, but openly concerned and texting, calling, emailing, etc... while I was away on my family vacation. And now that I am home there is more of the same.
Thank you. I am loved and I am so lucky and I know it.
I am not slipping away into the ocean of despair never to be seen again. And this really isn't the first time I have felt a great loss. This may well be the first time I've experienced it sometime near the time it occurred, however. And that is new for me.
So I am having sad feelings every day. I am also having feelings of joy and gratitude every day.
I am having some of each.
Saturday:
Mother's day for my mom. We went to my folks to spend the day. We went to lunch. We gave her a purple bike. And she loved it.
From there we took Maddy to her dance performance, Levi to his baseball game, grabbed some dinner and saw Speed Racer. We got home at nearly 11:00.
Which was far too late for me. And the kids. We were all exhausted.
Sunday:
Mother's day for me. I slept in until 8:00. I had my husband's famous eggs benedict. I opened beautiful cards and a fancy new crepe pan and crepe recipe book. Deliriously wonderful.
Then I climbed back in bed. I stayed there until 5:00. Audio book and Sunday paper, crap TV movies on LMN and laundry folding (because it is what I do with my hands while I watch crap television).
And it was just what I wanted.
The homemade kid cards:
Dear Mom,
I will love you forever,
And forever you will be,
The most wonderful mother,
You mean everything to me.
I thought of buying you flowers,
In the usual way, But, I knew you would prefer
A FOREVER BOUQUET!
- Love Levi
(Came with a paper bouquet that he made.)
Marvelous in every way
Over the top
Terrific at everything
Happiness wrapped up just for me
Everyone looks up to her
Reaches out and touches hearts
- Love Maddy, 2008
(Came on a rainbow painted watercolor card.)
Wishing all the wonderful mothers and all of the children of wonderful mothers a day for appreciating what you've got. And for those who feel they are lacking either or both of these, I wish you friends who love you and support you when you need it and even when you don't think you do.
Happy Mother's day from the La Familia Cupcake!
How lucky are we?
Life can be hard. It can be frustrating. It can be disappointing.
But then it gets good. If only for a day. If only for one breathtaking moment, it gets good.
If you can't watch This American Life on Showtime, I understand. Showtime is pricey.
But if you can, you really should. I highly recommend. This week's show is about a man finding independence and choice and beauty in the most extreme life circumstances.
And Johnny Depp spoke for him because he is not able to speak for himself. And I cried like a baby.
And I felt really good.
Boy child started little league. For the first time. We are quite proud.
Girl child continues in her dance career and has recently started Girls on the Run for the third year.
And double report card awesomeness for this most recent trimester. Sweet.
Husband just got a new big manly truck. He's proud as a peacock.
When all is good with my peeps I find that I have more room in my life for things to be good for me. I have yet to manage the "I'm OK even if my family is is in turmoil" zen-masterness thing.
So, that being said, I had the most wonderful day today. I'm still in my jammies, I read and did crossword puzzles and planned for my future and cooked.
I will say that there is change in the air for my life. And that has brought with it some anxiety. But today, this precious day, has been lovely. And in the midst of imagining parts of my life differently, I found I could be peaceful.
And thankful.
Today is the Superbowl. For me this is a day for laundry and catching up on my reading and a big wonderful breakfast (bacony-cheezy waffles, sauteed apples and fresh eggs from our neighbor's chickens). I really could not care less about the football.
But my husband (24 year football coach and former player himself) is a fan of the sport. So we will watch.
And by "we" I mean "not me."
This year the kids are old enough to pay attention plus I like all the pools and betting that can go on around the game so I requested that Rube put together a big list of bets for us to make (coin toss, first team to score each quarter, last team to score each quarter, score at the end of each quarter, etc...). Rather than betting our own money there will be poker chip payouts for each win and at the end both kids will get a prize, no matter what. Fun! That's the kind of crap I can get on board with! Woo-hoo!
Since we are dedicating our day to the big game I thought I'd do a kid interview. Nothing too hard, I just want to see where they fall along the spectrum from SUPERFAN to non-fan.
Superbowl Interview
Who is playing?
Madigan - Giants and the Patriots.
Levi - Um, Giants and Picksberg? Was I right? Oh, Patriots.
Who are you hoping will win?
Madigan - Giants. Why? Because... um... didn't the Patriots win last year?
Levi - Um, I'll go Giants.
What are you looking most forward to today?
Madigan - The games (pools and betting) and seeing if I'll win any prizes. (that's my girl)
Levi - Having friends over. (no friends) Family over? (no one is coming) OK, having a day just to us. (looking bummed while saying the right thing)
Risotto or Chicken Mirabella tonight?
Madigan - That's part of the interview? Why? Chicken Mirabella. Whatever.
Levi - What's risotto and what's Chicken Mirabella? (explanation) I'll have the thing before Chicken Mirabella. Yeah, risotto.
Anything else you'd like to say?
Madigan - No.
Levi - Nothing. OK is that it? 'Cause I really want to go back to Zoom.
Turns out they are a bit like me after all. Hmm.
Which can look a lot like avoidance.
I'm going to chalk it up to the post holiday let down.
Right now I am watching the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. It is a complete sob fest. Even the commercials. Good god. Those people know how to wring out a tear.
I'm getting back into the swing of things.
Happy day off.
I am watching snow fall. Right this minute on my little mountain it is snowing. And snow is always so exciting for us. Exciting and cold. And slippery. Often without electricity and water. But very exciting overall. Yea!
Fires are raging. My family is with me. I am happy.
Here are a few links to some healthy recipe sites. I have been eating poorly this week. Time to get inspired again and since I found these I'll share them with you.
delicious living mag
healthycooking.suite101
epicurious
healthy eating made easy
a weight lifted
Enjoy!
