TRIUMPHANT RETURN? MAYBE NOT SO MUCH.

Levi and his pals got together yesterday to decorate gingerbread houses at his friend Ethan's house after rugby practice. When I went to pick him up Jennifer (Ethan's mom) told me about the festivities.

"All the boys but Levi chose zombie themed decoration for their gingerbread houses."

On the way home, sweetly decorated gingerbread house in hand I asked Levi, "How come you didn't want to decorate yours with zombies like the other boys?"

"I didn't think it was very Christmasy." he said.

Not Christmasy? No zombies?

And in that very moment it occurred to me that I had never pointed out to Levi that Jesus Christ was, in fact, the ORIGINAL ZOMBIE. (Three days later. He is risen. Keep up.)

I am officially failing parenting.

EXCEPT WHEN IT'S SOMETHING

Levi has a cyst on his iris. The iris located in his eye.

It is very small. Tiny. Minuscule. So small that the first doctor didn’t even think it was a cyst. Maybe just some inflammation creating some swelling. Or a cyst. Maybe.

(And BTW - I brought him along to the eye doctor because his sister needed to be checked. His eyes didn't need to be checked. Perfect vision. Whatevs.)

So she sent us to Dr. No2. Who said, “Yup, it’s a cyst. Probably nothing. It is likely nothing will happen. But we want to monitor it. Oh, and by the way, I want the team of experts at UCSF to have a look. They probably won’t call or anything, but you know. I just want to check with them.”

So, yeah.

They want to see him. The UCSF folks. For an ultrasound biomicroscopy. It's basically a high resolution ultrasound to evaluate the iris cyst. Even though the cyst appears totally benign.

So there’s that.

And I don’t deal well with worry for my loved ones and their well being. And my crazy pills may not keep this panic rising in my chest at bay.

Cause I don’t have that thing. That, “Nothing bad will happen! Everything will work out. My people will be perfect and everything will be ducky!” thing.

I happen to know that sometimes shit goes left and your world crumbles down to the ground and you are left with dirt and sticks and now you have to make something like a life out of this pile of shit.

And I can hardly keep the tears from squirting out of my eyes right now except the guy in the cube next to me clearly has a hairball he’s trying to cough up. Or a sinus infection from hell. And no snot/throat etiquette. Geez, where was this guy raised? Step into the restroom, my friend. None of us need to hear this! And now I’m shaking and I’m not sure if it’s laughing or crying but I know if anyone sees it, it will not be good. One sec.

Okey dokes. I’m back.

Anyhoo, I was IMing with my hubs after I emailed Dr. No2’s response to him. And he knows just what to say to make me feel better.

hubby: just got Dr. No2's response. Thanks

me: np

hubby: cool

me: it makes me nervous

hubby: me too
but worst case scenario....
he's the cool guy with a patch
and an eyeball in a jar

me: in fact, we'll call him patch

hubby: so there's that

me: or jar

hubby: oh, you mean call him jar?

me: yes

hubby: or leftie
or Cyclopes

me: eagle eye

hubby: ooooohhhh
that's the one
hawkeye too

me: yes

hubby: madeye moody

me: now that's what I'm talking about

Which is why I will love him forever.

DO NOT GO IN THERE

At the rest stop....

Maddy: Didja go?

Levi: Yes.

Maddy: Didja flush?

Levi: There was no flush.

Maddy: Didja wash?

Levi: There was no wash.

Maddy: EEEEEEWWWWW.

Levi: Do you hafta go?

Maddy: No.

Levi: Good. 'Cause its horrendous in there.

FISH TALE

My son caught his first fish last week. And his second (which was actually the first). Long story. Suffice to say, two experienced (old) fishermen stuck a BIG fish on Levi's line while Rube was looking down the way. And Levi played along.

A few minutes later he caught an itty-bity little guy and reeled him in on his own.

What a day! Boy was Rube proud!

It wasn't long before my boy was telling his dad, "I didn't really catch the big one. I only caught the little one."

And then his dad was REALLY proud. This moment in parenting could only be more sublime if it didn't come as a result of stabbing living creatures in the face. But, I digress.

Here he is before the hullabaloo.

MUSIC TO MY EARS

"Something smells terrific!" says Madigan.

"What smells so good?" asks Levi. "I can't wait to eat it, whatever it is."

Today I am in my kitchen.

Today is glorious.

Tomorrow I will tell you all about it.

SKIPPING STONES

What happy looks like in my neck of the woods.

WHY, OPRAH, WHY?

Levi: Why would Oprah give you hell?

Me: Um, I don't know how to answer that.

Levi: That song. It was just playing.

Me: Oh, no. That song says "Hope it Gives You Hell."

Levi: OK. I thought the words were different... And I was wondering why Oprah would do that.

NOBODY KNOWS NOTHIN AT THE BEGINNING

Timeline of me:

at 24 - met Ruben

at 25 - moved in together, got a dog and got pregnant (not in that order)

at 26 - my heart broke and my daughter was born

at 27 - married that man of mine

at 28 - moved my little family to the mountains

at 29 - got pregnant again (took a while this time)

at 30 - had the boy and started my "stay at home" career

at 31 - regretted all of my previous judgments about stay at home mothers

at 32 - my little girl went to kindergarten

at 33 - Levi started pre-school and I got a part time job at a beautiful but horrible bakery

At 34 - went back to work full time

At 35 - we moved to a different home in the mountains and Levi started kindergarten

At 36 - new school for the kiddos and I surprised my family on Christmas morning with a trip to Disneyland - our first

At 37 - 2 new jobs in one year - this year, she is a hard one


Not what I would have supposed. Almost nothing that I would change.

MY SON, THE CONSERVATIONIST

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. ~Mark Twain




Morning pal.

Hi mom.

Clean chonies?

Ummmm... uh... well, yeah.

Wow. I'm gonna let you know that I am unconvinced by your response.

Sheepish shrug.

Wanna try again?

OK.

Hi pal. Clean chonies?

Nope.

OK. Get on that, will ya?

Yeah...

TOO LATE, SON. TOO LATE.

Me, peeling an orange over the kitchen sink this morning. Levi, watching me.

Levi: Watch out, Mom! You're gonna get that orange dust all over you!

Me: Oh, it's not dust, hon. It's the oils from the orange peel. You could call it "zest."

Levi: Well, be careful or you're gonna be zesty!

SECOND GRADE REMEMBRANCE

Levi just started second grade.

Which caused me to recall Madigan's second grade class's winter performance.

Between the third grade offering of a short (undetermined-holiday-themed) play, and a variety of festive songs (not specific to one holiday or religion) offered up by the first grade, Mrs. William's second graders performed:

A Music and Movement Interpretation of Piet Mondrian's Neoplasticism.

Complete with all-black beat nick outfits and brightly colored pool noodles.

The music was an energetic interpretation on Orff instruments; glockenspiels, xylophones and metallophones. Of course.

Remember those simpler times?

Sigh.

PURPLE HAZE, ALL IN MY BRAIN

My firstborn child just turned eleven.

She is a middle schooler.

She has a brand new patch of bright purple hair. (Subtly hidden below all of her other hair.)

And all of this means that I am feeling super fucking OLD.

She spent the weekend with a friend she has had since preschool. Up Until 3:00 AM. She was exhausted. So we spent the day at home today, until around 4:00 when I decided we should go to Trader Joe's for a few things.

On the drive to the store - both my kids fell asleep in the car.

I'm not feeling as old anymore.

WE SHALL NOT CEASE FROM EXPLORATION (IN CHONIES)

Me: Good morning love bug. How did you sleep?

Levi: (stretching and rubbing) I had a weird dream.

Me: Oh yeah? Can you tell me a little bit about it?

Him: Yeah. We went to the boardwalk and all I was wearing was my chonies.

Me: Oh my goodness! Were you embarrassed?

Levi: No. It was a school day and it was early.

Me: ???

Levi: We went to a store where (uncle) Bumper was working and he was selling these really cool spaceships! They were not too big and you could ride around in them and shoot at moons and planets and there was a special one for wheelchairs so Bumper and I were driving around all over.

Me: So, no clothes, just your chonies?

Levi: I got a tank top. They had lots of other stuff too. It (the store) was kind of like Mervyns.

Me: But with space ships.

Levi: Cool, huh?

CUPCAKE KIDDOS

Happy early Independence Day.

VOCAB FOR IDIOTS

Mom, have you ever heard of the word exaggerating?

Yes, son. I have

Am I using it right now?

Um, no. Not that I can tell.

Didn't I just say that Mac (our dog) is bigger than this house?

Why, yes. You did.

Well, there it is.


Moments later...


Mom, what is "flu."

Flu is short for the word influenza. The influenza virus is like a germ that makes people sick. When we suddenly get really sick we say we have the flu because it is a shortened version of the word influenza. Like a nic-name.

Oh. I thought it was like"to fly."

OK. Well, yes. There's that too.

I'M NOT A FAN

Today is the Superbowl. For me this is a day for laundry and catching up on my reading and a big wonderful breakfast (bacony-cheezy waffles, sauteed apples and fresh eggs from our neighbor's chickens). I really could not care less about the football.

But my husband (24 year football coach and former player himself) is a fan of the sport. So we will watch.

And by "we" I mean "not me."

This year the kids are old enough to pay attention plus I like all the pools and betting that can go on around the game so I requested that Rube put together a big list of bets for us to make (coin toss, first team to score each quarter, last team to score each quarter, score at the end of each quarter, etc...). Rather than betting our own money there will be poker chip payouts for each win and at the end both kids will get a prize, no matter what. Fun! That's the kind of crap I can get on board with! Woo-hoo!

Since we are dedicating our day to the big game I thought I'd do a kid interview. Nothing too hard, I just want to see where they fall along the spectrum from SUPERFAN to non-fan.

Superbowl Interview

Who is playing?
Madigan - Giants and the Patriots.
Levi - Um, Giants and Picksberg? Was I right? Oh, Patriots.

Who are you hoping will win?
Madigan - Giants. Why? Because... um... didn't the Patriots win last year?
Levi - Um, I'll go Giants.

What are you looking most forward to today?
Madigan - The games (pools and betting) and seeing if I'll win any prizes. (that's my girl)
Levi - Having friends over. (no friends) Family over? (no one is coming) OK, having a day just to us. (looking bummed while saying the right thing)

Risotto or Chicken Mirabella tonight?
Madigan - That's part of the interview? Why? Chicken Mirabella. Whatever.
Levi - What's risotto and what's Chicken Mirabella? (explanation) I'll have the thing before Chicken Mirabella. Yeah, risotto.

Anything else you'd like to say?
Madigan - No.
Levi - Nothing. OK is that it? 'Cause I really want to go back to Zoom.

Turns out they are a bit like me after all. Hmm.

BIG STORMS MEAN THE KIDS ARE ON EDGE, INVENTING WORDS

We are having huge storms on and around my little mountain right now. The winds are getting up to 90 mph. Electricity is out (except when the generator is running, which will not be for long) and very loud winds are whipping through the cracks in the house and knocking over patio furniture.

At one point a big piece of furniture fell over with a very loud CLANG on the deck and shook the house quite a bit. We all stopped to look for the tree that we imagined had fallen through the roof.

Once we realized we were all safe, Levi said "That FROKE us OUT!"

Well said, my son.

UM, YES. IN SCULPTURES. AND PAINTINGS.

Levi (turning 7 next month): Mac just hit me in the nuts with his paw!

Me: Nuts, huh? When did you start using that word?

Levi: Everybody says nuts.

Me: Oh. OK. We've always called them testicles in this house.

Levi: Well, all the guys call testicles nuts. Or balls. Cause they kinda look like them. Have you ever seen them?

I OUTSOURCED MY BAKING, LOVE

Since I have a core belief that food preparation and consumption are the Earthly expressions of love, I paid Nob Hill Foods to do my loving for me this holiday season. Not the consumption. Just the prep.

They baked my holiday cookies for me. I paid them $15. And it was SO worth it.

And tonight the kids and I decorated cookies in our messy and crazy way.



And I feel good.

I'm wondering what else I can outsource...

DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD, MAMA

After lengthy conversations about what we want to give to all of the cousins in the family for Christmas, my son and I had a chat about what he might want from Santa.

Levi: I want a big Infernape^(tm). And I want Pokemon^(tm) cards.

Me: What in the world is an Infernape^(tm)?

Levi: It's a big ape, and he's on fire and he can.... insert endless Pokemon^(tm) words here ... and I really really want one. A big one that I can sleep with.

Me: Wow! That sounds great. I wonder, however, if they even make that. Hmmm...

Levi (shooting me a chilly glance): It's OK, Mom. Santa MAKES all his toys.

Oh, OK. That should work out just great, then.