SELF PITY

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

^{A poem by D.H. Lawrence}

EXCEPT WHEN IT'S SOMETHING

Levi has a cyst on his iris. The iris located in his eye.

It is very small. Tiny. Minuscule. So small that the first doctor didn’t even think it was a cyst. Maybe just some inflammation creating some swelling. Or a cyst. Maybe.

(And BTW - I brought him along to the eye doctor because his sister needed to be checked. His eyes didn't need to be checked. Perfect vision. Whatevs.)

So she sent us to Dr. No2. Who said, “Yup, it’s a cyst. Probably nothing. It is likely nothing will happen. But we want to monitor it. Oh, and by the way, I want the team of experts at UCSF to have a look. They probably won’t call or anything, but you know. I just want to check with them.”

So, yeah.

They want to see him. The UCSF folks. For an ultrasound biomicroscopy. It's basically a high resolution ultrasound to evaluate the iris cyst. Even though the cyst appears totally benign.

So there’s that.

And I don’t deal well with worry for my loved ones and their well being. And my crazy pills may not keep this panic rising in my chest at bay.

Cause I don’t have that thing. That, “Nothing bad will happen! Everything will work out. My people will be perfect and everything will be ducky!” thing.

I happen to know that sometimes shit goes left and your world crumbles down to the ground and you are left with dirt and sticks and now you have to make something like a life out of this pile of shit.

And I can hardly keep the tears from squirting out of my eyes right now except the guy in the cube next to me clearly has a hairball he’s trying to cough up. Or a sinus infection from hell. And no snot/throat etiquette. Geez, where was this guy raised? Step into the restroom, my friend. None of us need to hear this! And now I’m shaking and I’m not sure if it’s laughing or crying but I know if anyone sees it, it will not be good. One sec.

Okey dokes. I’m back.

Anyhoo, I was IMing with my hubs after I emailed Dr. No2’s response to him. And he knows just what to say to make me feel better.

hubby: just got Dr. No2's response. Thanks

me: np

hubby: cool

me: it makes me nervous

hubby: me too
but worst case scenario....
he's the cool guy with a patch
and an eyeball in a jar

me: in fact, we'll call him patch

hubby: so there's that

me: or jar

hubby: oh, you mean call him jar?

me: yes

hubby: or leftie
or Cyclopes

me: eagle eye

hubby: ooooohhhh
that's the one
hawkeye too

me: yes

hubby: madeye moody

me: now that's what I'm talking about

Which is why I will love him forever.

FIRST RAYS

First thing, when the redwood (the one the size of a city block) gets hit with the glow from the sun I cannot yet see or feel, the moment when the branches seem to shine from within all 296 shades of green and brown and yellow...

it is wondrous.