STATS AND MYTHS AND FACTS

I am so often surprised by the misinformation of brilliant people in my life. So, in that vain, here is some info regarding sexual assault (much of which comes from the YWCA Rape Crisis Center of Silicon Valley).

If you are a woman, have ever loved a woman, are the friend of any current or future women, please educate yourself. You will never be sorry that you knew where to turn when faced with an incident of sexual violence.

DEFINITION: Sexual Assault is ANY unwanted sexual act a person is forced to perform or receive. This includes, but is not limited to, rape.

MYTH: Most sexual assaults are committed by strangers.
In reality, the majority of the time the offender is someone that the victim knows. Victims are usually coerced, manipulated, tricked or threatened by someone they are acquainted with. One study found that 84% of women who were raped knew their attacker and for 57% of those women, the offender was a first date or romantic acquaintance.

FACT: Alcohol or drugs increase a person’s vulnerability to sexual assault.
Alcohol and drugs can increase anyone’s vulnerability. In one study, 75% of males and 55% of females were under the influence of drugs or alcohol when the rape occurred.

MYTH: GHB and roofies are the most common date rape drugs.
In fact, alcohol is the number one date rape drug. It is readily available, socially acceptable and plays a significant part in 50-72% of all college campus sexual assaults.

FACT: The most common place for rape to occur is in the victim’s home.
The second most common place is the offender’s home, because the offender is usually someone the victim knows. Many people think that sexual assaults happen in dark, abandoned places, but the greatest risk lies where we feel the safest.

FACT: Most of the time, rape is planned.
Rape is not an impulsive act. If it is a single offender, the rape is planned 60% of the time; gang attacks are planned 90% of the time.

MYTH: Rapists are deranged, psychopathic, under-educated men from poor backgrounds.
Rapists are found in all socioeconomic classes. Offenders can be anyone: doctors, lawyers, the homeless, blue-collar workers, classmates, co-workers, etc.


Survivor Rights
As a survivor of a sexual assault, you have rights. From the right to be treated with respect, to the right to choose to do nothing with your case.

National Sexual Violence Resource Center
A complete list of state and territory anti-sexual violence coalitions and their contact information

Recent Sexual Assault Statistics (US focused)
For stats on cost/impactof sexual violence, perpetrators, gender, and criminal justice system.

World Report on Violence and Health
This report is the first comprehensive review of violence on a global scale. Chapter 6 provides detailed information on sexual violence.

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

My friend Lisa sent these strange and wonderful old ads to me. And now I share them with you.

I'm now looking for the jaunty douche advertisements of yore and will post them as soon as I find them.

Can't wait!

NEVER GIVE IN. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.

I am morally opposed to New Year's resolutions.

I hate the idea of them. I hate the pressure to become a better person or strive for excellence at exactly the same time that I know I will be writing the date incorrectly for the next 3 months. What's the point? Who needs it?

Also, arbitrary dates dictating change are never effective in my life. Change comes when I am ready for change. And that is rarely when I am totally exhausted and recovering from the end of the year madness known as the holidays.

So, it's the new year. 2008 is a couple days old. So far, so good. I will not, intentionally, be doing anything different today than I did last week just because the calendar has switched over. If I do something new it will be because I spontaneously want to do something new.

Here is a short list of the things that I will continue to do well into 2008 and probably beyond, proudly or otherwise:

1. I will continue to cuss like a truck driver or a sailor or whatever stereotype known for cussing a lot. I love it. I don't make it a practice to cuss in front of my kids, however my kids know that these choice words (these wonderful words - some of my favorites really) that they may hear from time to time are NOT FOR THEM. My kids don't get to use those words. It is not their option or their choice. Shucks, darn and gosh are the expletives that they get to choose from. Have at it. More power to ya. I'll be using mine. And loving them.

2. I will continue to wear high heels. I have several pairs of pants that will be rendered unwearable if they aren't worn with heels. I know my back and feet will pay the price. Now is not the time to cut my wardrobe in half.

3. I will continue to talk to my doggies like they are mildly retarded infants. I find it impossible to use an adult voice when I am alone with them. I make up words and phrases that would be considered embarrassing in nearly every other instance in my life. Phrases like "Duh da ma Cal!" and "Ooda mooda shmooda shmoo."

4. I will continue to let my children come into my bed in the middle of the night. I decided a LONG time ago that my kids sometimes need their parents outside of the "regular parenting hours" and I am OK with that, especially as a mom who has worked outside of the home. It has, of course, led to the infamous "What are you doing?" exchange with Levi as he stood next to our bed while Ruben and I were, ahem, visiting with one another. And the extremely embarrassing explanation that I made, "This is how Mommy and Daddy love one another sometimes." Oh, lordy. Rube loved that one. We should probably move on...

5. I will continue to eat delicious and totally unhealthy foods. For the past few months I have been limiting the frequency and amount, but the deal is that I will always know the "points value" of a chocolate doughnut. And when I want one I will have one. Or two. Or someone will die. It's really that simple.

6. I will continue to hang out with my girls. Poker, Catch Phrase, lunches, movies. All of it. I have read about intimate relationships where one partner isolates the other one until they have no friends or confidants and no one with whom to seek counsel. It is actually a big indicator of domestic violence. Well my friends, worry not! No DV here. Ruben doesn't want me sitting around obsessing about him. He likes me better when I have a life outside of our immediate family. And more importantly so do I.

7. I will continue to think my family of origin are the best in the whole entire world. I know that many other families are lovely families with wonderful ways of celebrating and communicating and loving one another. I just believe mine is the best. So there you have it.

8. I will continue to smoke. I actually want to quit again soon but as I am focusing on a couple of other healthy behaviors right now that take prominence I am buying myself a little more time.

9. I will continue to blog. I thought about quitting, but as you can well see I'm not a very good quitter.

10. I will continue to brag shamelessly about my amazing and wonderful children. In fact, I'll talk up my whole fantastic family. Deal with it.

And I will never, ever purposely quit anything on January 1.

Unless I change my mind.

MY BUNNY

Is hurling her guts out today. Once at school (cause, yes, I did send her), once in the parking lot on the way to the car, and now at home with her dad.

Here is a picture of her on Thanksgiving 2 years ago. When she was happier. And feeling better.

I'm off to a WW meeting and my women's group. Catcha later, gators.

WHINING ALL AROUND THE WORLD

Because of this I am going to be posting every day for the month of November. Now, don't get your hopes up. This means I'll be reaching into the deep dark recesses of my mind. And we all know that no good can come of that.

It turns out that this thing, this committing to write something (anything) every day for a month, is a big undertaking for lots of people. Don't take my word for it. Check out this site and this one and this one and also this one.

My point is that I may be boring and a little bit lame, but I'm in really good company.

MAKE FOUR, NOT WAR

Do you know TX Poppett? Well, she's the bomb dot com, baby. Smart and funny and a Texan. What's not to love? And if you aren't following her on Twitter then you are quite possibly a daft fool. I laugh out loud daily at her adventures.

So, this lady that I am speaking of, she tagged me for a meme. Me! I know, huh? How sweet is she?

Here goes:

Four First Names of (unrequited) Crushes I’ve Had:
1. James (a warm friend at a critical point in my life)
2. Dawn (yes, girl. my first and only real girl crush. she was great)
3. Brett (every girl's junior high dream boat)
4. Phil (dorky loser artist that I got lost in for a semester)

Four Pieces of Clothing I wish I still owned:
1. Tan and teal cozy cardigan
2. Blue and white satin robe
3. My brown leather jacket - that was STOLEN!
4. Oh, the shoes that I have parted with. Too many to count.

Names I’ve been called at one time or another:
1. Terra (short for Erra Terra Cota - the lovely name my cousins gave me)
2. Ladybug (my mom's name for me)
3. Ernestine (my dad's name for me)
4. Bitch, Jack Ass, Moron, and a bunch of other one-offs...

Four Professions I Secretly Want to Try:
1. Novelist
2. Artist
3. Stewardess (mostly for the sex play - Naughty!)
4. Nun (also for the sex play)

Four Musicians I’d most want to go on a date with:
1. Sting
2. Elvis Costello
3. Amos Lee
4. Tori Amos

Four Foods I’d Rather Throw than Eat:
1. Calf's liver
2. Sea Urchin
3. Tomatoes (I know - how can that be?)
4. Chocolate Pudding (retch!)


Four Things I Like to Sniff:
1. Salt Air
2. Wind through trees
3. Magie Noir by Lancome
4. My babies' skin

Four People to Tag:
1. Momo Fali - funny, sweet and back in the workforce! Hang in there, baby!
2. Known to me as Silent Beautie, she actually has one of my dream jobs. Lucky!
3. Lis, my friend with the green purse.
4. And lastly, my neighbor VDogBlog, who I want to go party like a rock star with (in a totally dignified mom kind of way! of course!)

Have a good time, ladies. Pass on the love and the fun!

I RETURN, VICTORIOUS

My retreat was quite lovely. I laughed a lot. Not a lot of crying this time. We played Catch Phrase (also known as the funnest way to spend time with your clothes on!). Don't start this game unless you have a bunch of great people and 48 hours to commit to it. So freaking fun.

We ate wonderful food, slept well and even did an art project:


I'm happy to be back and my husband is feeling a lot better. He missed me. Which is nice.

Now we are full steam ahead into the Halloween flurry of fun. I'll wish you luck if you wish the same to me. Oy vey.

I'M SOOOOO OUTTA HERE!

I must sound like the whiningest, complainingist, pain in the ass on god's green Earth. Well, you know what? Too bad. My blog, my rules.

This week was - how shall I put this? Ummm, let's see. Oh! I know! Shitty.

Husband took a fall and totally f-ed his hand up and threw his back out. Which sounds like he should be the one who gets to have the shitty week, right? Uh - NO!

Husband is flat on his back for days. So you know what that means? I get to do his stuff and my stuff. And I get to go fetch him stuff. And I get to hear him detail the levels and duration of his pain in every position he is able to exist in. Which, thankfully, is not a long list. No really, thank god it is not a long list. The short list is so much more than enough.

I'm going away with my girlfriends. He's getting better at hobbling around. In the event of a fire Maddy knows to roll him out the house like a log. I'll not be back until I have been nurtured and fed and loved back from the emotional brink. If that doesn't happen for six months, so be it. I'm aiming for three days. I'll let you know.

NO ONE LOVES IT MORE THAN ME

Birthdays. They are so wonderful. I really don't understand people who don't want anyone to know. People who won't tell you their birthday. What the hell is that about? What a setup. Do they expect me to ask around? Do they secretly want a surprise party, cause only when groups of people have kept this silly secret will they feel valued? Whatever. Surprise parties are dumb. And not just cause I've never had one. I think they are so dumb that I have never thrown one. It's not like you don't know that you are growing a year older. And someone always blows the surprise. Here's a secret for you - that someone is usually me. How do you like that?

This week I had a delightful series of small celebrations. After my jam making extravaganza with my family on Sunday I had a lovely lunch with Lisa on Tuesday. We went to our regular joint, had a delicious (and not at all low-cal) meal and talked and laughed. Perfect. Just what I wanted.

On Wednesday Lori took me for a Hawaiian pedicure at lunch. We and ate salads and relaxed while being scrubbed with Orange Peel & Pineapple Sugar Glow and smoothed with Caramel Ribbon Glaze. My toes are Strawberry Margarita pink and I feel as delicious as I smell.

Tonight Heather invited a couple girls to her home for a birthday dinner. We talked forever about everything and dined on Salmon and asparagus. She made molten lava cake with raspberries. I floated home tonight.

I don't expect this kind of attention and treatment all year. I receive it gratefully this special week. These are my friends. I love them. And I want joyous memories of time spent together. This week I will remember for a long long time.

FEWSH - THANK GOD THAT'S OVER!

My first post is done. I can move on to bigger and better things.

Let's start with my day. Today is a Thursday. Thursdays are a great day for me because I have my "me time" on Thursdays. It is on the family and work calendars every single week and it is non-negotiable. And by non-negotiable I mean I will not be available for anything I don't want to be doing after 4:00. I will not be picking up kids. I will not be preparing any meals, doing any chores, running any errands, taking any unwanted phone calls, nothing. I might get a pedicure. I might go to a movie, either alone or with a friend. I might go to the mall and overspend. Whatever I want to do, I do!

Given all that freedom, what I usually do is go to sushi with a couple of girlfriends, and then go to my women's group. For nearly 10 years I have chosen to spend the hours from 7:00 to 9:00 almost every Thursday night in a candle-lit family room on in Willow Glen, San Jose. In this lovely home on a tree-lined street (read: regular American dream) I have wept and laughed and yelled every cuss word known to man and I have learned what it means to be a wife, mother, friend, and woman in my skin.

I am blessed beyond words to have these women in my life. The women have changed over the years. Women come and women go. Some stay a few weeks. Some camp out for years. The new ones change the dynamic for all of us. They mix it up and change our perspectives. Sometimes they learn something from me. More often I learn from them.

There have been times when attendance has felt like a chore. When I could not imagine listening to another woman drone on and on about her problems. I have found, however, that paying focused attention to someone other than myself for an hour or so a week makes me more sane.

'Cause here is the deal, I bring my whole self there. My whole self. My happy to be so blessed one day and jealous beyond words and pitching a fit 'cause I didn't get what I wanted the next. My light is welcome there. And so is my darkness. I am very familiar with the dark side of me. I like my dark side. It makes my lightness more real. Less fake. And I only know that this is true because I have watched these other brave women do the same. To sit in a room and say out loud the things they don't even want to think. To share the load of illness, divorce, death, and despair. To share the sadness that comes when you begin to feel joy after these terrible things have passed. And lives have moved forward. And the world didn't stop. And we have changed.

It is Thursday. I can do whatever I want. Today I want to spend it with these women. We'll see what happens next week.